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Jennifer's Blog

Be  A  Pain  in  the  Donkey.  Please.

4/18/2018

17 Comments

 
Picture
Photo Credit: Sergio Rao / Unsplash
I was listening to an interview on the radio the other day about the pay discrepancy at Google. A young woman was talking about her experience as an ambitious and hard-working staffer on a Google tech team. She described how, after she left the team, she learned that her former manager had considered her a pain in the a**. She thought he had been a great manager, someone to whom she could turn with her questions and insights. He, though, thought she was a pain in the derriere.
 
About a year ago, when I gave my first Authentic Communication workshop, one of the participants bristled at my insistence that we learn to voice our needs by making specific, well-articulated requests. She worried that doing so would earn her the “PITA” moniker as well.
 
"That," I said, "is a risk you have to take."

If you don’t express yourself and your needs, you will probably avoid being known as a pain in the backside, but it's also likely that you'll squelch a part of you that has a valuable contribution to make. By repeatedly sidelining your own needs, you can fall into chronic disappointment, confusion, misunderstanding, overwhelm or even loneliness – a murky cocktail that can overshadow your bright light, your brilliance, your magic.
 
Maybe it’s helpful to remember that every time you ask for what you need – and risk being a pain in the you-know-where – your action is about more than just you. Every request is two-sided.
 
On one hand, I’m asking for something that will meet my needs – big or small. I ask my husband to get me a glass of lemonade when I’m thirsty. I ask my client to pay more for my consulting work when my skills improve and costs rise. I ask my neighbor to keep the noise down after 11 p.m. when I need a good night’s rest.
 
On the other hand, my request creates an opportunity for building relationships. It’s an invitation for connection, for an expression of generosity, for giving that is only possible when there is someone like me who's there to receive.
 
Asking for what you need demands a certain amount of vulnerability, to be sure. But as the brilliant researcher, author and speaker Brené Brown teaches, vulnerability is inseparable from courage.
 
If you fail to ask for what you need, you shut down a part of yourself. Some aspect of who you are is not being expressed in the world. You're putting a barrel over the light that is your life.
 
Whenever you make yourself vulnerable enough to ask for what you really need, you're undertaking an act of connection, courage and self-love. Articulate your requests with dignity and integrity and come into an even fuller expression of your magnificent self. Please.
 
5 Authentic Communication Tips for being a Pain in the Donkey:
  1. Get grounded. Cultivate self-awareness to create fortitude and confidence. Start here, and your communication will be more authentic and natural.
  2. Know your audience. Learn to listen in a way that gives you information about the person to whom you’ll make your request. Is she present or distracted? Stressed out or more relaxed? Is she able to give you the thing you need?
  3. Be clear. If you’re making a significant request (more than for, say, a cup of tea), take a few minutes to think about what you’re asking for. Be specific about what would need to happen, and when, for you to feel satisfied.
  4. Know “No.” As much as you might like all your requests to be answered with a whole-hearted, “Yes!,” you know that’s not reality. There has to be room for “no” in order to honor the dignity and autonomy of the other person. (This is a pretty nuanced and loaded topic, though, so I’ll elaborate on it in a separate blog post.)
  5. Give thanks. Whatever the outcome of your conversation and request, end with gratitude. Nothing opens the possibility for making future requests quite like genuine appreciation. 
17 Comments
Mary
4/20/2018 17:29:28

Jennifer, I’m so glad I ran across your post. I told someone this morning exactly what I needed and I know they weren’t expecting it and it was uncomfortable. I’ve been second-guessing myself all day. Your post reinforced my decision and intent and renews my confidence that I did the right thing. Thank you

Reply
Jennifer Wasmer
4/20/2018 21:24:38

That's great news, Mary. I applaud you for your expressing your needs. It's a powerful way to uphold our own integrity while deepening connections with others. Thank you for sharing your story!

Reply
Jeff
4/21/2018 02:16:41

Hi Jennifer,
Fantastic article! I just sent a letter to my business partner yesterday asking for several things and was worried about his response. His response was positive and I feel our relationship has grown a bit closer. I hope you write a book one day!
Jeff

Reply
Jennifer
4/23/2018 14:56:07

Hi Jeff!
That's great! Thanks so much for sharing your story -- and for your encouragement on the book. I'm so happy that these ideas are useful!
Love,
Jennifer

Reply
Kerstin Salen
4/21/2018 17:19:08

It occurs to me that asking for what you need or want, does not only have to be adressed to someone specific, but actually is something you can do to your self or the universe.To clarify to yourself what you really want can be quite revealing.Most of us (women) want to please and wait for many years until we dare to speak out loud. The other aspect is ; when you speak to your bodycells or to the universe, tell them what you want but as if it allready has happened.
But as you wisely say Jennifer, watch what you are wanting to bring in and be careful with your choices....Lots of love Kerstin

Reply
Jennifer
4/23/2018 14:56:57

Hi dear Kerstin,
Wonderful, thoughtful observations, as ever. I'm grateful for your insights and for keeping the conversation going.
Love,
Jennifer

Reply
Ani Grosser
4/22/2018 10:59:52

Hi Jennifer,
This is a great post! Well thought out and done--donkey image will stick with me. I will share with the women I work with, as you touched on one of the hardest things for women to do -ask for what we need.
I hope you are well! Still cold here in the northeast, but promising to warm up this week.

Reply
Jennifer
4/23/2018 14:57:54

Hi Ani!
I'm very honored that you would share this post with your trusted friends. That's a real compliment.
Humble bows and much love to you,
Jennifer

Reply
Pedro Wasmer
4/23/2018 10:09:12

Jen, great points! Even I can learn from my younger children! Thank you. I will try not to avoid being a pain in the donkey, and ask for what I need. However, I by now know most of my audiences and will be very selective of who I ask for what I may need.

Reply
Jennifer
4/23/2018 14:58:27

Hi Dad!
Great point on "knowing your audience." I should do a blog post on that, too!
Love,
Jen
P.S. I just love to hear you say "dunkey" in your Cuban accent :)

Reply
Fran Fidler
4/24/2018 18:47:45

Much love to you. Great message. Thanks so much.

Reply
Jennifer
4/27/2018 13:55:38

Thank you so much, Fran! I think you know how liberating it can be to live this way! :-)
Love,
Jennifer

Reply
Christy Goss
4/25/2018 07:55:17

Hi Jennifer. Great info! I must confess that while I have become quite good at communicating my needs in my professional life (absolutely necessary working in a male dominated industry), often the struggles continue in my personal life, particularly with my family. But I continue to make progress and this just helps to encourage me even more. XO

Reply
Jennifer
4/27/2018 14:01:42

Hat's off to you, Christy, for running a business AND for making clear requests at work!
I also find that it can be trickier to express my needs in my personal relationships. I find that getting grounded first helps a lot. Deep breaths, bringing attention to my body, or washing my hands prior to a conversation can put me in a better place to ask for what I need.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! Lots of love to you.
Jennifer

Reply
Annie Scarff
4/25/2018 15:06:26

Yo Jennifer,
Glad to read this today. I'm rehabing my second knee replacement and find your suggestions particularly important at a time of heightened need for physical assistance in order to heal well. Also, I'm thinking how important this advice is for my prayer life in general. As "they" say, God already knows what I need and yet I think it adds to the intimacy of our relationship to honestly say out loud. And,of course, sometimes the answer is "No".

Reply
Jennifer
4/27/2018 14:05:47

Yo Annie! :-)
So happy to hear from you. You're nearly bionic now!
Since God does always know what we need, maybe making requests is a way of expressing the Divine within us.
I also think it's useful to say what we need since God has not yet perfected mind reading capabilities in us humans!
Feel well and strong soon, dear friend!
Love,
Jennifer

Reply
John Bedoya
6/15/2020 16:20:50

Thanks Jennifer¡ Great article. I agree with this part "Be clear. take a few minutes to think about what you’re asking for" Sometimes you just talk without thinking on being as much clear as you can, It is just taking a few seconds and rethinking what you want to say, lately I do it and it has helped me a lot. BE CLEAR¡

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